Sheryl Gould: 0:02

Today I'm excited to be with Amy Carney. Thank you, Amy for being here. And I just want to give a little introduction. Amy is a mother of five with firstborn triplet sons, I was like, oh my gosh. And I saw a picture of you holding all three, I cannot even imagine.

Amy Carney: 0:21

I know.

Sheryl Gould: 0:21

Your daughter, is she a year younger?

Amy Carney: 0:24

She's 18 months younger. So I had 4 in a year and a half.

Sheryl Gould: 0:28

Oh, my gosh. And then you have a son. Is he in sixth grade?

Amy Carney: 0:31

Sixth grade.

Sheryl Gould: 0:32

That was in foster care. And you have now he's adopted? Yes, we

Amy Carney: 0:36

adopted him three years ago. Wow. Yeah.

Sheryl Gould: 0:40

So welcome. And we're going to be talking about your book, "Parent On Purpose." I see in the background there too. And I just love this book,"A Courageous Approach to Raising Children in a Complicated World," I just want to tell our listeners what I love so much about this book. And it's it's all highlighted. Okay, and dog eared. And it's not only is it timely it is I love how you give you give. It's practical. It's like when I was you break it up, like developing life skills, identifying the problems that we all struggle with. And then what's the solution? And then you give us proactive strategies. So I want to really dig in to this today. So tell me, what does it mean? What do you think it means to to parent on purpose?

Amy Carney: 1:34

Well, it means that we get ahead of the game, right? Like having four kids in a year and a half, I was just kind of surviving motherhood, I was just reacting to what came my way in the day. And so I want to help people get ahead of the game and be proactive in intentionally raising their child. And so that's kind of what I laid out in the book of what that looks like, to me and with other experts that I interviewed.

Sheryl Gould: 2:00

Yes. And what I really like about that is I don't think that we stopped long enough to really think about you talk about the end game, knowing what what the purpose is with our kids. I don't think we often think about that. I do want to quote you, because in in the moms and tweens and teens community, this quote is so important to kind of let just percolate..."it's not about striving to be the perfect mother or father or about raising perfect children. We are imperfect humans raising imperfect little humans. Perfection is never our goal. The objective of this book is to help you become more intentional", speak a little bit to that.

Amy Carney: 2:43

I just think that's culture today, right? Like, the good mommy club. And what we have to do all these things to be a good mom. And, um, no, I mean, we are imperfect people, like I said, raising imperfect kids. So we need to give ourselves a little grace in that. But we also there's a lot of things we can do to intentionally raise our kids and not continue reacting to whatever comes our way and culture today. And get it get a little ahead of the game. And that's what I hope my book helps people with.

Sheryl Gould: 3:13

Yes, definitely, it does. And I put a link in there so people can order the book, because it's so good. Talk by your three pillars, I want to ask you first, what are some of those things that we can do to parent with the end in mind?

Amy Carney: 3:29

What are some of the things we can do? Well, one of the strategies that I like to say is that we can kind of parent six years ahead. So if we're we have a 10 year old, we need to start looking at them as a 16 year old and what does culture look like for 16 year olds today? What are parents dealing with, right? And then begin figuring out how we can begin making decisions and living out our values now, so that when we get to that stage, it's a little bit easier to lead our child and make hard decisions according to our values, and maybe not our best friends or our neighbors, right? Instead of just reacting to whatever comes away. And we're, when we get to the end, I'm seeing it so often people are launching the kids and they've got so much regret, and sadness and guilt because they didn't ever stop and think about what is it I want for my 18 year old walking out the store, right? Because culture is so busy today. I mean, we're we're overwhelmed, right? We've got we've got a lot coming at us. And so we've just got to recognize that truth and slow down and think about what it is, what our purpose is for raising this child. And what do we want for them when they leave our home? And then how do we start making decisions today toward that goal? Yeah,

Sheryl Gould: 4:40

I love that. Because you talked about you mentioned the word reactive and starting when they're when they're younger, and then thinking it out so that when they turn 16 we're not reacting that we've been thinking about these things all along the way.

Amy Carney: 4:54

Right, right. We're not all of a sudden, they're 16 and we're now we're trying to figure out you know if they're going to drive or get Job date, like we've been thinking about those things, years before. So we kind of know better how we want to handle it. And we've been talking about it with our child, too. Right? Right. So when they get to this prom party bus and they're not allowed to go on it, well, you've already kind of been talking about that, you know, years prior or whatever, you know, boundaries you have in your home, because we all should have some boundaries, according to our family values. So

Sheryl Gould: 5:24

Yeah, and that's great for the next part to talk about that. You talk about, and I really like this too, like, what do we not want for our family? And what do we want for our family? And being able to really sit down and think about that. And then talk about that with our kids. Like, what did that look like in your family?

Amy Carney: 5:45

When my husband and I, I kind of designed what I call the parent purpose statement. And so I wanted to stop and think about what it is I wanted for my kids. And it was a little overwhelming to think, well, I want all these amazing, great things, right. But then I started with What don't I want? And that was much easier. I don't start with the negatives, right? Like, I don't want to raise entitled children. Okay, right. I don't know that many of us do want that. But how do I okay, if I don't want to raise entitled children, then what do I need to do today to raise a more grounded child. And so looking at what you don't want is, is really a great place to start, and then start figuring out what you do want instead.

Sheryl Gould: 6:25

I love that you mentioned to how companies have mission statements. And yeah, we don't think about that, as parents, goal...Why don't we just launch into the three pillars. Can you tell us what they are?

Amy Carney: 6:39

Yep. So I broke the book into three parts. So lead, lead on purpose, love, on purpose, and launch on purpose. And so the first part of the book lead is really to strengthen ourselves as a parent as a parental leader. So it's strengthening us as an individual adult. The second part, the love on purpose, is strengthening our family culture, and our relationships. So how do we do that, that strengthen our family? And then the last pillar, which is the launch on purpose is how do we strengthen our child? How do we strengthen them into a young adult that can go into the world, and be capable, and confident and compassionate? So those are the three areas strengthen yourself as a parent, first, strengthen your family unit, your family, culture, and relationships, and then how do we strengthen our child so that they can go off and be a successful healthy adult?

Sheryl Gould: 7:33

Okay. And you know, I have to ask you about this. So you can tell our listeners, how this book came to be. I think that fits really well into the leading part. Because you did something very courageous was in 2014?

Amy Carney: 7:48

Yes, five years ago, we were on the road. So in 2014, we pulled out a life and quit our jobs and pulled the kids out of school, bought an RV and traveled the whole U.S. for seven months. And we did that if you buy my book or have it, the introduction is all about that. And we did that because we were not living into our family story. We were split up all the time living like my husband and I are on different sidelines, cheering our kids on. I say like they had A's on the report cards, and we had money in the bank. But we were totally disconnected and not living the life that we had hoped to or, you know, thought we would as a family. And so we just bravely decided that we would just stop everything for a little bit take off in this RV. And it was crazy, because we're not even for a camping family now. But we we weren't. So we just needed to regroup because we could see the end coming. And we didn't want to launch our kids into the world and have this regret and sadness. And so we wanted to take that time to kind of pivot and and figure out what direction we wanted our family to hit.

Sheryl Gould: 9:00

How did you have that epiphany, like whose idea was that?

Amy Carney: 9:03

Yeah. I know, most people think it was mine. It was not my idea. It was my husband's idea to get an RV and go around. And he was thinking about like a summer. And then it was my bold idea. Like why don't we do the entire U.S. pull them out of school. And, and then I started back my writing career. I used to be a journalist before. So it was a way that I started writing, blogging from the road. And then that's how this book came to be because I was being asked to write a book about the trip. And then the book about the trip turned into this"Parent on Purpose" because I more wanted to write about the heart of the trip. And all these things that we're experiencing raising kids today that are hindering us from really raising them maybe the way that we had hoped to or wanted to and maybe how we can make different choices to for different outcome.

Sheryl Gould: 9:53

When you think about the transformation, so to speak, that you went through from before you took the trip. to seven months later, what changed in your family?

Amy Carney: 10:05

We decided that we were going to live into our values. We said, you know, if faith is our number one value, how are we going to live that out? Because we were doing a very good job of even getting to the family dinner table together, or to church together. So are we gonna really prior prioritize what we said is true. But the problem is, when we when we do that, there's always consequences like to our choices and culture. So, you know, if we did like, we decided for our daughter, who was a club soccer player, that we weren't going to go on a tournament, a Thanksgiving tournament, right? I would, because it's normally she and I would go and the boys would stay back. And we're separate on holidays. And you know what, we're not going to do that this year. Like, I'm sorry, you know, we're going to spend Thanksgiving as a family, we're going to miss this. And so yeah, the next season, she got moved down, because she's not committed. Right? That's and that's, this is the culture that we we live in, and it's okay, we've got to be able to say, you know, what, okay, we're going to live with that. Because is this youth sport our priority, or is our family unit our priority, and it's a really struggle, it's a struggle that a lot of families are dealing with. So you just have to make some hard choices. And we figured out how to maybe balance better, say no to some things that maybe will have consequences and say yes to things that really matter,

Sheryl Gould: 11:30

Really bringing it back to the values like over and over and over again, reminding yourself what really matters in your family.

Amy Carney: 11:37

Yeah, and then you can't just do it by like, that's why I say to write it down, I have a whole you know, write out your parent purpose statement. And because it's one thing to say something, but it's another thing to really take the time to write it out. And then hold yourself accountable, like are the decisions we're making, matching what we said we wanted? I mean, they're not always going to, they're not always going to be able to that's that's reality, right? But maybe we can take a week, this summer, this upcoming summer and really live into our values, because we haven't been able to do it this well, this school year, right? Maybe we're going to take our kids and go on a mission trip or something we really want to do instead of taking them to Disneyland for an entertaining vacation. I mean, I just talked about in the book, what it looks like to make courageous decisions in your family small, to big. So we've just got to be more willing to do that. Because we don't want popular culture, writing our family story. I don't, that's what was happening to us. So we wanted to take back the pen, and kind of write more the scenes of our story instead of letting culture do that for us.

Sheryl Gould: 12:46

Yeah, I think you raise such a good point, too, about how it almost feels like life is happening to us now. Yeah, don't get our kids in a sport. It's so different from when I was growing up. And my and my husband where he decided he wanted to play soccer freshman year in high school. Yeah. And he made the team and made varsity and played and loved it. But now it's like, they we start our kids, when they're three, four years old, I work with my girls, I start them later dancing. And so they were dancing with this young group of girls, because the older ones were already dancing in the intermediate class, you know, so yeah, like, oh, I've missed the boat, you know, and this pressure, we feel this anxiety. And then, you know, no wonder our kids are so stressed out

Amy Carney: 13:30

Right. So hard thing to balance, and there's no such today. thing as balance necessarily, but it's more how are you going to allow your child to do this and have it not overtake you now, your overall family arrative.

Sheryl Gould: 13:47

Talk about the love, love piece in the book, you talk about the leading, and then the love. What are some practical tips that you share in the book?

Amy Carney: 13:59

Well, I talked about one thing is putting the technology down, right, having parameters on technology. Technology's taking over our families. So one chapter is disconnected, reconnected, how can we live with this technology, right, but have healthy habits built in around it and boundaries, so that we can have authentic conversations and communication and relationship with each other. So that's huge. And then I talk a lot about play. And, I mean, I know that's kind of a buzzword now, you know, we need to play more, but it's true. Like we all need to play more. And I go into how I didn't realize that was really what we were missing in our family. And I realized that on the RV trip, like we had no margin in our lives to play, to just be in nature just to have fun, just you know, everything had become so rigid and stressful and scheduled. And so sometimes we just have to wipe the calendar clean and just hang out, go outside, go camping, or there's no Wi Fi or whatever your family does. Just do more of it. And then like a lot of times when people say, "Well, our kids really don't want to go camping." Okay? Like, okay, they don't want to go. But you know, that's what's best for your family. So we just did that we just headed to the, to the campground this summer a little. Because for one thing I know it's bad Wi Fi, which is something I seek out because otherwise, yeah, go there's no Wi Fi like, because otherwise our teenagers were battling, you know, them get off the devices. So it's it's kind of my little secret, like, family connection. They don't know that, but they can't connect. So guess what we get to connect, and they actually play and they're actually relax. And it's so important. It's just really important. But we've got to lead that. You know, and too many times with our, our kids, they don't want to do it. Well, we're, you're the parent, you know, what you want for your family what's best, and sometimes you just drag them along. And, oh, next day, you say I'm having a good time. We just got to be willing to do it. But our kids need downtime.

Sheryl Gould: 16:03

They do. They do need downtime. And we used to look at the clouds going by and be able to breathe, and there's never a break. Right. And we constantly feeling like that FOMO fear of missing out. I have to be on my phone to stay connected.

Amy Carney: 16:18

Right.

Sheryl Gould: 16:19

It adds a lot of stress.

Amy Carney: 16:21

Yeah. And we struggle with it too.

Sheryl Gould: 16:23

Oh, absolutely. Especially when we have we're a lot of our work. You're in my work online. So it's carving out that time for ourselves to not be plugged in.

Amy Carney: 16:34

Exactly.

Sheryl Gould: 16:35

You know, and I think that you raised a really good point, too, about our kids, I think we expect our kids to want to do these things. And they're at an age when they're tweens and teens, they're gonna whine, they're gonna complain, like, but at the same time, then like you said, the next day they're playing, they're having fun that once they get away from it, that they see the difference that it makes. Yes, yeah, my daughter went on a mission trip, and she can't be on her phone the whole week. And she came back and she said, "Oh, my gosh, it was so good to be off of my phone. Like, I felt so more peaceful. I felt more connected to God." I mean, you know, she was like, "I was with myself." She said, "I really tasted my food." You know, I mean, eating and if you're on your phone, and you're not really taste your food. But she saw the difference.

Amy Carney: 17:33

That's the enemy enough to give them that space to not see the difference, right? They got to have that time away from it to understand what it feels like to be off of it.

Sheryl Gould: 17:46

Yes, tell us about the launch. So the third pillar is launch. That's a big one.

Amy Carney: 17:51

That's a big one. And that's kind of one of the reasons I wrote the book, because I had written a blog post a few years ago on the eight things you should stop doing for your teen. And most of your followers have probably read that because it it went viral for a really long time. And it always regurgitates itself around this time of year. And so I just talked about simple things that I had to stop doing for my kids when they were 13. ish. And it's just been a hot topic of conversation is this, you know, are we doing too much for kids? And I think that we are,

Sheryl Gould: 18:27

Yeah. So what, should we stop doing?

Amy Carney: 18:31

Go to my blog and read the post, right? So I just say, like, start as simple as have them start getting themselves up in the morning with an alarm clock. I mean, you know, and we laugh, because I mean, I see headlines saying that parents are calling, calling their college kids, too, and waking them up every morning, you know? Well, of course, we're going to do like, we laugh at that. But we're Of course, we're going to do that if, if we're not sure if they're going to be able to get themselves up on their own, because we've done it for them all the way through senior year. And then we're paying for this tuition. Are they really going up for class, we don't know. Because we never taught them how to do that in our home. And we never saw it. So then we get desperate. And we over parent when they're away in college. So I had written, I think that was the first one I had talked about and everything from I mean, they should be contributing to our homes, to our families. Whether you call that chores, I just call it contributing. And it's just what you do when you're in a family. And I need help. And everyone's going to help. I mean, it's just part of it. And what's going on now is we our kids are too busy. Like they're so busy today, and so we feel like we don't want to burden them with anything else. Right? And but yet we need to expect them to contribute in whatever ways are helpful to your family on a regular basis and not what just so them and helps them but helps the entire family.

Sheryl Gould: 20:02

Yeah, absolutely. I love the word that you use"contributing." I'm going to start using that, rather than"chores" because chores like you have to do this right? But contributing, it's like we're all part of this family together.

Amy Carney: 20:15

Right. Right.

Sheryl Gould: 20:16

Just love it. So much of it, too, is like the words we use, and that contributing we're even teaching that value of "we contribute, we work as a team."

Amy Carney: 20:25

Exactly, exactly. In our home and in the world, right, we need to be contributors, not just consumers. And that's what's happening is we're raising kids to just consume. And it's, that's why we have this entitlement issue where it's okay to consume and it's good to contribute, we got to be able to do both.

Sheryl Gould: 20:43

Yes, I feel like one of the really important things you talk about, and also to those that are listening, in your book I like at the back, you give, break it off into age appropriate ways that parents, depending on the age of your kids can start teaching your kids these skills. So they are ready to launch. And we really do need to let go a lot and pull back. I see that with moms and dads today as well. And also my own parenting with my first especially we parent a lot out of fear and we don't want them to be uncomfortable. And they really need to learn that and strengthen that muscle so that they are prepared when they leave our homes. Talk about too the success. I really wanted to speak about that. Because I think it's so important how we tend to focus on success versus character. Can you talk about that a little bit?

Amy Carney: 21:41

Yeah, I like to, to challenge people just to stop and redefine success. Because sometimes we get caught up in this. I mean, we're living and raising kids in this achievement, performance driven culture, it and sometimes we can forget what success really is to us. And so I like to show when I'm when my in my talks, and I just did it this morning, a picture of my hockey playing son who by all means, you know, looks successful to the world. He's a good student, he's a good athlete, he's doing all these things. But when I stop - is that really success to me? And it's, it's not. It's, it's this man that I am raising, who goes on a mission trips, and I've got a photo I show of him, washing the feet of the elderly women in the in the village on his knees, and the way he loves on our younger son that we adopted, and just his loving character and heart that he's developing, that's success to me. And so stopping and saying, what is success to you? And and then how can you create opportunities for your child to become that because that's the other thing is carving out space in our lives to actually have these opportunities where our kids can serve others, you know, or work hard, get a job and work hard, or whatever it is you want for your child? How do you carve out opportunities for them to become that person? So redefine success is huge. I think we don't stop and define that for ourselves. And for our kids.

Sheryl Gould: 23:13

It's about more of the heart versus the performance that really caught up in that today parenting the performance and the colleges they go to and the grades and all ...

Amy Carney: 23:25

Yeah, Yeah. And it's causing them a lot of stress. And it's not just coming from us. I mean, it's coming from their peers, the schools. It's just a performance driven culture today. Yes. It's just helpful to pull back on that a little and what does success really mean to you?

Sheryl Gould: 23:40

So let's get to the questions. And let me see here. Um, oh, Marissa, hi. My experiences that myself and my husband are not on the same page on that is difficult. I work on a college campus. Yes, they need life skills. So that that can be very real, not being on the same page. Oh, yeah, it's

Amy Carney: 24:05

My number one question I get every time is, is that and I think that all of us struggle with that, right? Because we would like that to be with a partner who's on the exact same page. Yet none of us really are. Because we married people who grew up differently than we did they have a different upbringing, right and different family values and family. So we there's no way we're going to come to the table, the same. And so we've got to wrap our heads around that and figure out if we can just come up with our main core value or two or three that we, you know, do agree on and then individually, figure out how we're going to live that out with our kids and teach our kids because it's going to be different. And I would say it is the hardest one of the hardest things with parenting is trying to get our spouse on the same page or, you know, or for for single parents, between two homes trying to so you can only be you right And you can only parent the way you feel called to lead them. And so I think we just need to focus more on that instead of getting so frustrated with our spouse or ex or whoever else is helping us raise our child that they're not on board with what we think, you know, and we just got to know that they're really not going to be and how can we best both teach them?

Sheryl Gould: 25:23

That reading piece that you were talking about in the beginning. How are we going to lead? And I think so much a parenting too is how what how our kids perceive us?

Amy Carney: 25:34

Yeah.

Sheryl Gould: 25:35

Experience watching us?

Amy Carney: 25:36

Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're the example. As I said, being the example, the adult, you want your child to be because they're watching if we're walking our talk, right. And they know, they know the difference?

Sheryl Gould: 25:47

Yeah.

Amy Carney: 25:48

Yeah. Strive to be be the example.

Sheryl Gould: 25:52

So what are some final parting words for us encouragement? Because we do need encouragement?

Amy Carney: 25:57

Oh, yeah. yeah, I need encouragement. I've got three seniors now in high school. So I, I would just say, in the back of each chapter of the book, I have the section where it's pause, pivot and plan, right. And sometimes we can just forget to pause and take a break and think about what's working in your family, what's not working, this is a perfect time of year to do this, too, with school, a new school year. You know, what's, what was working for you guys last year in your home and what's not working, and then plan to make a pivot, pivot and go a different direction. And never, never be afraid. I hear people it's too late. It's never.

Sheryl Gould: 26:38

It's never too late.

Amy Carney: 26:39

Never too late. I mean, I feel like that with seniors in high school, it's, I've still got things I want to teach him and, and I'm still learning and I'm not, I'm not perfect, nor am I trying to be perfect, right? I'm just trying to lead them to be able to leave my home next year and go off and be a contributing, you know, man and society. And so I am doing my best to do that. And then the other thing is, once they leave our home too like, the outcome is not ours. Like, what they do with what I've taught him, or what I haven't taught him is on them, they're going to make their own choices. And they're currently doing that, right. as teenagers, they make their choices. And it's not a reflection on our parenting, necessarily, right. I mean, if we've taught them something, and they choose, that's their choice. And it's not a reflection on our parenting. I mean, so we've got to remember that, that the goal is not to raise perfect kids. We're not perfect parents. And the goal is just to be purposeful and live with into this season of full time parenthood more purposefully,

Sheryl Gould: 27:41

Yeah, play more.

Amy Carney: 27:42

I like to, I like to reframe I say in the book, like even just the family dinner, which you really get time as a family, I think we got one, maybe two nights a week, we get to gather around the family table, but I say I even refined the frame that is family playtime. I mean, as far as that I want it to be an enjoyable time or we're not not

Sheryl Gould: 28:01

Correcting them that they're eating ...

Amy Carney: 28:03

Yeah. Because, you know, I wouldn't be an enjoyable time where people are talking and connecting. And we've got conversation starters on every one of our tables, so we can send them just pull those randomly out and, and laugh, right? We gotta laugh more.

Sheryl Gould: 28:16

Oh, yeah, absolutely be silly.

Amy Carney: 28:18

It's I say, in the book, too. I say like, well, let's worry about being sillier in our families than these SAT scores. You know, like, that might take our kids further,

Sheryl Gould: 28:29

Like, have that be a goal, you know, for the next week, right?

Amy Carney: 28:34

Yeah, you know, we're so caught up in and for good reason. I mean, you know, there's there's reasons to because it makes a difference financially for people to write and money for college and everything. But at the end of the day, that's not what's most important, and we want to enjoy this season. So just laugh a little more, relax, a little more. Enjoy these, these kids we've been blessed with and watch him. Figure out what's next. Right.

Sheryl Gould: 29:04

Thank you so much.

Amy Carney: 29:06

Thanks for having me.

Sheryl Gould: 29:07

I have your book, I want you to tell I put the link in here. And also they can find you at AmyCarney.com. And then it's Amy Carney for Facebook too. Tell them how to reach you.

Amy Carney: 29:20

Yeah, so follow me on social Facebook is just Amy Carney blog, and then Instagram is Amy L. Carney. So on the other handles, it's Amy L. Carney. And then, yeah,

Sheryl Gould: 29:33

This was really helpful. And I just wanted to say too, I think it's so important what you said about

Amy Carney: 29:39

We want them too.

Sheryl Gould: 29:39

And that's exactly that's how they learn. And"I'm learning too" and our kids are going to make mistakes, you know .. that's really important to remember too.

Amy Carney: 29:51

Right. Right. That's that's we've got to allow them to make mistakes because but yeah, that's how they are they learn and grow and it's how we learn too

Sheryl Gould: 29:58

Absolutely. Well thanks. I'll see you sometime soon.

Amy Carney: 30:04

I know. Oh, you gotta get to Arizona.

Sheryl Gould: 30:07

I know. Come see my mom too.

Amy Carney: 30:09

That's right.

Sheryl Gould: 30:10

They go to the same church, my mom and Amy so yeah. it's really a neat connection.

Amy Carney: 30:16

So thank you so much.

Sheryl Gould: 30:17

All right. Have a great night.